I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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