I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
