if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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