he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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