My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
