you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
