i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
