look no pants
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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