last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
