On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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