All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
