Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He better not be in your backpack
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
