Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
