I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
