he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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