it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
