There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
