why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
