Umm I'm too high to move.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
