i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
