I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
