what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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