You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
