dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
