So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
