he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
