people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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