my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
