why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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