Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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