Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
