You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Vodka?
Forever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
