you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
