maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
