I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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