stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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