I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
