Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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