this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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