im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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