You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
