I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She needs sedatives and a leash
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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