I just saw a hot homeless man
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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