Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
