I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
