just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
