I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
