Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
