I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
