Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
