9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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