rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
